Thank you for choosing Relationship Air. Please keep your seat belts securely fastened for the duration of the flight (however long that may be) unless you are flying in the Pre-Nup, Trophy, or Mail Order sections of the aircraft. If you are no longer comfortable with your flight partner, your seat bottom doubles as a parachute and you are free to bail at any point in your journey. Before doing so, we kindly ask that you alert one of the crew, so we may secure the cabin and open the hatch. Upon exiting the aircraft in mid-flight, keep in mind that 20 is the magic number of seconds to wait before pulling the rip cord. Anything more than 20, and you risk possible fractured limbs, punctured organs, and/or bruised egos; anything less than 20 seconds, and you’ll be sucked into our engines. If the former should occur, you’ll find a first-aid kit included with the chute, complements of Relationship Air. You will find everything you need in the kit to care for your injuries, however we must mention that bruised egos will only heal with time, and that Relationship Air is not responsible for any psychology or psychiatry bill incurred as a result of your experience with us.
Remember: If you’re not a celebrity figure, please stay out of our first-class express cabin as that hatch has been permanently ratcheted open due to the flightiness of those particular passengers. For those of you who are celebrity figures, if you are not a Kardashian or Britney Spears, please don’t ask about our Platinum Frequent Flyer Discounts, because they will not apply to you. If you think you may need to seek the benefits of that program, please ring the bell, and our people will be in touch with your people about other discount programs at our earliest convenience.
Please enjoy our in-flight movie, Fatal Attraction, and, again, thank you for choosing Relationship Air.
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